The Dos and Don’ts of Dealing with an Angry Child

As parents and caregivers, it's extremely challenging to deal with a child with anger management issues. But it's important to remember that anger is a normal and natural emotion, even for children. In fact, from a neuroscience point of view, anger is a crucial part of our survival instincts, helping us defend ourselves and assert our boundaries.

As gentle parenting forums tell us, rather than trying to suppress or ignore a child's anger, it's important to understand it and help them work through it in a healthy way. This article explores the dos and don'ts of dealing with anger in children. Before that, though, let's delve a little deeper into the science behind how their little brains work.

What Does Science Say?

From a neuroscience perspective, anger is an emotional response that is triggered when we perceive a threat or an obstacle in our environment. When a child feels angry, their brain sends signals to the body to prepare for action, releasing stress hormones such as cortisol and adrenaline.

In a healthy child, anger is a natural and necessary part of emotional development. It helps them learn how to assert their boundaries, express their feelings, and navigate social relationships. However, if anger is not handled properly, it can become a destructive force that leads to aggression, defiance, and may result in social isolation.

Understanding Age-Appropriate Anger and Defiance

It's important to remember that what is developmentally appropriate for a two-year-old is different from what is developmentally appropriate for a ten-year-old. As children grow and develop, their ability to regulate their emotions and communicate their feelings also evolves. However, this can only be done with the help of an understanding caregiver or adult, who can help the child deal with their anger.

In younger children, it's fairly common for anger to rear its head through tantrums and outbursts. This is because they haven't yet developed the language skills or emotional regulation necessary to express their feelings more constructively. As children grow older, they become better equipped to express their anger healthily, such as through physical activity, problem-solving, and compromise.

Now let's take a look at what parents should and shouldn't do when faced with an angry child.

Things to Do When Dealing with an Angry Child

It's sometimes hard to imagine the transformation from a cute kid to an angry child, but with these tips, children can get better at managing their emotions.

Validate Their Feelings

When a child is angry, it's important to acknowledge and validate their emotions. This means listening to them, empathizing with them, and letting them know that it's okay to feel angry. Pro tip: control the urge to fix things for them, or tell them why their feelings may not be appropriate.

 

Teach Them Coping Skills

Rather than telling a child to calm down, try teaching them coping skills to manage their anger. This could include deep breathing or taking a break to do a calming activity like arts and crafts.

Help Identify Triggers

Understanding what triggers a child's anger can help them better manage their emotions. When they're calmer, encourage them to identify the situations, people, or events that tend to make them feel angry. You can then help them come up with a plan to cope with these triggers in the future.

Encourage Communication

Teaching a child how to express their anger constructively can help them build healthy relationships and solve problems effectively. Encourage them to use statements using 'I' to express their feelings, and practice active listening skills to understand others' perspectives.

For younger kids, ask lots of questions so that they feel heard and can let go of their feelings of anger.

Things Not to Do When a Child is Angry

Remember, when your child is in this heightened emotional state, your job is to offer them some sort of calm, and bring them to a more regulated state of mind. Steer clear of the following behaviors.

Punish or Shame Them

Punishing a child for expressing their anger can lead to feelings of shame and inadequacy and it could make it harder for them to deal with such feelings in the future. Overall, we want our children to know that they can feel all their feelings, as long as they don't act on them in a way that could hurt them or others.

Ignore or Dismiss Their Feelings

Ignoring or dismissing a child's anger can make them feel unheard and invalidated. This may lead to feelings of frustration, sadness, and resentment. For children, parents are their safe space. It's important to let them know you're there for them.

React with Anger

Perhaps the hardest thing for parents is to not let their child's anger trigger them. Reacting to a child's anger with anger of your own can escalate the situation and make it harder for them to regulate their emotions. It's important to model healthy emotional regulation and conflict resolution skills for your child.

Dealing with an angry child can be challenging, but it's important to remember that anger is a normal and necessary part of emotional development. Rather than trying to suppress or ignore a child's anger, it's important to understand it and help them navigate it in a healthy way.

Join the discussion on what can trigger children at Parenting Questions and get parenting advice from others navigating the same situation. The online parenting forum and community publishes regular popular parenting blogs and has many homeschooling, co-parenting, and parenting discussion forums.

It doesn't end there. They also offer online parenting classes and free resources for parents.

Join the conversation, on one of the best parenting forums.